Tumblr Thread: Being The Purveyor of Fine, Succulent Clown Meats

Author image for Eric Lund
Eric Lund
Aug 18, 2021 5:00 PM EDT

Some of us dream about taking tests in our underwear. Some of us dream about being in a play and not knowing our lines. Most of us just dream about eating big heaps of cereal that looks like our mom using a spoon that looks like our dad. But this Tumblr user experienced a nighttime sequence so peculiar and mystifying that it had to be put into words. For some more tumblrness, here's the wholesome tumblr thread on a grandma who summons a demon and calls it Todd.

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  • 01
    Font - biggest-gaudiest-patronuses Ok so in the dream I was a purveyor of clown meat. basically i ran a delicatessen that sold assorted deli meats but in particular i sold clown meat, which was somehow both a specialty item and a dietary staple. Ilike it was a really culturally important food group. the thing about owning & operating a clown meat deli is that for some reason i was required to hunt the clowns myself, which required a hunting permit. (there were also strict rules regarding the pro
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  • 02
    Font - the whole the community was more scandalized by the fact i had been selling imitation clown meat, bc the purity of clown meat was a whole cultural thing. i don't wanna get into it ok) (also i honestly believe i would have gotten off with like. a fine + community service except that at the end i was faking the expensive, prime grade steaks, aka meat cuts only the local landed gentry could afford, and they were horrified less by the potential accidental cannibalism and more by how they had
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  • 03
    Font - biggest-gaudiest-patronuses right so as i recall, my lawyer only took me on as a client to begin with bc, upon my arrest, i had made the most astonishingly controversial claim, upon which my entire defense would now hinge aka THERE ARE NO SIGNIFICANT ANATOMICAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN CLOWNS AND HUMANS. That is to say i stood there in front of god (nonexistent) and man (painfully existent) and declared that once the skin came off, there was no reliable method of distinguishing clown meat from
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  • 04
    Font - universities, and was widely derided by christians and conservative politicians. However, a new progressive era was sweeping the nation and it looked like Human & Clown Divergent Evolution was going to be the next great political battleground. So when I, a humble purveyor of clown deli meats from a little backwater hamlet in the south, was arrested and made that claim, staking all my professional knowledge and belligerent insistence that human and clown anatomy were indistinguishable bene
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  • 05
    Font - mothers who had trustingly purchased my clown meat sausages and cheerfully served them up to their children for breakfast. we heard from the mayor about the pain i had caused the community (as if the bastard hadn't been cheerfully eating my premium clown steak at a forty-five percent discount for over a decade now, the f. king nerve), and more soberingly from an economist on the potentially catastrophic effect the collapse of the clown meat industry would have on local economies. It was a
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  • 06
    Font - biggest-gaudiest-patronuses (gore tw) I stood in that hot, damp courtroom, surrounded by reporters, detested former customers, and my Texan lawyer in his silly white suit-and- mustache, and listen in awe and occasional nausea as a New York City Coroner recounted to a shellshocked jury that one of the most common forensic issues that law enforcement encounters in new york is when bodies are pulled out of the harbor-in particular, severed body parts, which are a fine new york harbor traditi
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  • 07
    Font - In fact, the Coroner went on, there was a long, rich history of human and clown remains being, shall we say, interchanged as needed. Medical students, for example, in need of cadavers to study, used to dig up human corpses and replace them with dead, varnished clown of more or less the same size and shape (a heavy layer of varnish was necessary to disguise the natural vivid coloring of clown markings, which only fade several weeks postmortem). the fact is, doctors have been struggling for
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  • 08
    Font - biggest-gaudiest-patronuses FINAL PART Here is the secret. Here is the secret I never told anyone. Not any of those scientists or priests or reporters. Not my lawyer or that coroner whose testimony probably saved my life. I spent decades butchering and selling clown meat, so I knew without a doubt that dead clowns are in fact very easy to distinguish from human corpses. Oh they look the same all right, but any clown butcher worth their salt can tell you the unique thing about clown meat-t
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  • 09
    Font - What you do is, you drain the Clown and you let it hang there a few days. Then you come back and you can literally tear the meat apart with your hands. Takes almost zero effort. No blood or splinters or anything-it's literally like pulling apart a giant mushroom, has that weird foamy crumbly consistency. I have no damn idea why these fancy scientist doctor medical types weren't aware of this, but any clown hobby hunter could tell you. One of the major benefits of owning a clown meat delic
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  • 10
    Font - Because the truth is-CLOWNS ARE A TYPE OF CORDYCEPS. What we refer to as Clowns are merely the unfortunate infected hosts of a powerful parasite fungi. Clowns didn't evolve from Humans- they were humans. Or at least their ancestors were. I assume the fungus gets passed down from mother to child, possibly in the womb, so arguably all living generations of clowns were born clowns. Or not. Again, I am a deli owner, not a biologist. (This could also explain their bizarre behaviors, stunted ne
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  • 11
    Font - The charges were wrong. Yes, I stole those bodies from the graveyard. But I didn't lie about the clown meat-the meat I sold was Real Clown. They weren't clowns while they were alive but i made them clowns. Oh, they were people's aunts and uncles and grandmas and neighbors all right, I don't deny that. But at the end of the day they were clowns, pure clowns, clowns like any other. Because /. Made. Them. So. Clowns, clowns, clowns all around, clowns they abound, and all by my will! I, ringl
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  • 12
    Font - And that, dear reader, is the end of my tale. In closing, please enjoy this artist's rendition of the fungus i used to infect my stolen corpses. extrapolate what you will. May your nights be full of sweetest dreams! tip me this took4hours to write
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clowns wtf tumblr creative dreams lol ridiculous story funny meat
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